Memories are just in our head.....right?

So I have spent the past weekend purging,getting rid of, trashing, boxing up 

most of what I own.  And I really kept asking myself.... where does all this come from?????

Before I moved here I lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with only one room that my stuff

was not in. I threw away ALOT. The men at the dump soon knew my name. It was sad.

But I knew that nothing big I had was worth keeping, and that I wouldn't have alot of room 

here. I still boxed up alot.. with the intention of using it in the new 

condo I would be buying 3-6 months after moving here. 

Now almost 3 years later.... I had forgotten all that was boxed up. 

and still had not bought a condo.

So our thanksgiving was spent going through my boxed up stuff and the stuff in my room and 

getting rid of unwanted/forgotten/unused stuff. 

It was hard. on so many levels. 

1. why do we attach so many feelings to really random stuff that may or may not have contributed to a memory.  EX: a white porcelain Buddha: was is special: NO, did it make me sigh really big and go off on a memory tangent to my sister:YES. did I want to keep it: OF COURSE, did I need it: HECK NO. 

I give you another example:

gifts that someone forever ago gave you, that you never really liked, but kept it because it was given to you. And now it is really all you have from that person and you don't really talk to them anymore.  You still have the memory, and it is not like the memory will disappear if you get rid of the gift, but you think that way, and keep it in a box, to rediscover in 3 years, and wonder

 "why the heck did I keep this?"

Janie many times saw this look on my face that I was mentally fighting to get rid of something I didn't need but was justifying someway in my mind. 

I heard this alot:

"You don't NEED it"

I thought this alot

"I might, maybe........no I don't"

2. Clothes: I have ALOT of them, and I wear only a portion. why do I have alot of them, because they all fit. When you are a big girl and can't walk into any store and pick up the first thing you see and know they will have your size, you don't easily give up clothes that fit. No matter how stretched,stained,ripped,mutated it is. 

I pulled out many things that I swear have owned since early 2000s and haven't worn since I moved here. 

I had to let go, it quickly made me feel like I needed to go shopping. 

I didn't though:(

3.It makes you feel kinda small.... I have reduced the contents of my life to as few boxes as I could manage. Which is good in a way.... I feel clean and ready for a fresh start. But also somewhat depressing because I have a small part of my brain saying.... 

"Is that it???? That can't be it????

but a larger part is saying

" That feels so much better, now I can breathe.... "

And even though there were moments that I feared I would forget my past as I got rid of the solid evidence of it, I have discovered that I can fully remember the people,events, and items I wanted to. 

4. and last: It made my fast approaching move seem way to close.  I now sit in a room and is so close to empty I think I hear an echo from the typing keys.  I realized how much I will miss living here, and how much comfort Janie and Kyle have given me. Most people my age are in their own place or clawing at the walls to get out... I am clutching the doorway to stay.  I like being so close to my sister, and being able to stay up till the wee hours of the morning talking about nothing.  You would think that when you know someone from birth topics of conversation are slim, that is not the case for us. 

and I will miss my kids. No I didn't give birth to them, and they don't call me mom, I barely get "Aunt" to come before Meg, but they are mine.  I have lived with Benjamin and Ella before and it was heart wrenching to leave them once. Now I have to leave four of them. I know I will see them on weekends, but it is not the same. When I live here I can spend time with them when they get home from school, talk to them before they go to bed, they can sleep with me, wake me up in the morning(although Maiya has quit that job...apparently I don't like to wake up). 

I am just grateful for being able to be this close with my sister and her family

and I will miss them.